Acronyms lets talk

Speaking in text acronyms or as it is called text shorthand

We live in a time where most of our communications comes in the form of texting. There are so many people who don’t talk on the phone anymore, they text. Texting is quick and convenient as it helps you avoid physically speaking to someone.

Text messages are meant to be short and to the point (although I have a friend that composes 6 page text messages, at that point just call me because I am too lazy to read). To assist us in keeping these messages short and sweet there is this thing called text shorthand, or acronyms. You know the words like “LOL, LMAFO”. A new one I read and had to look it up was “TABOOMA” which means “take a bite out of my ass” there’s a few choice people whom I would love to say that too, LOL. I think I am a little out of touch, because a lot of the acronyms I have no clue what they are. I have a friend that makes them up, and I am forced to guess what the hell they are saying.

Maybe we should just start talking in acronyms, it would reduce the amount of time spent talking to people we really don’t want to talk to. A 10 minute conversation could be reduced to 5 minutes.

I work in the computer field and we talk in acronyms all the time, by far my favorite is the “ID10T” error. The user complains that there is something wrong with their computer, and after investigating the issue it is usually the very serious ID10T (pronounced ID 10 T) error. In other words an IDIOT error, the user was an idiot. Maybe if you actually pressed the power button your computer would be working!

I must go TTFN (ta ta for now), I will TTYL (talk to you later) and remember don’t be an ID10T

The Griswolds Part II The BUS

Living in the military is not a glamorous life. Most soldiers at a certain rank do not make much money. So was the case with us.

1993 I had just had my son Ben, and we wanted to go home for Christmas but we could not afford to fly, or take the train. Therefore, we decided to go home by bus no big deal 36-hours on bus with a 6-week-old baby and a 5 year old was worth the inconvenience to be home.

The bus station was in St Louis and the morning of our journey, a friend drove us to the station. Everything was going well, we boarded our bus no problem. We were sitting in our seats waiting to depart when disaster struck again. The entire bus station swarmed with police, swat teams, fire trucks. We began to notice that the station was void of any other human life except the people on our bus. Which made me a little nervous because we had no idea what was happening. I thought there was a sniper at the station.

The police boarded our bus and started checking passenger’s tickets. Then the police left and came back and checked tickets and identification. Then the police got back on the bus and asked us to remain in our seats and not get off the bus. I said jokingly to the officer standing in front of us, “what is there a bomb on the bus” he replied, “I didn’t say that”.

Why was our bus the only bus left in the station? In addition, why were we sitting there for hours? About 3 hours into this ordeal, the police came back on the bus and said, “Your bus can go on down the road now”. I thought for sure, we going a safe distance away to blow up.

It turns out when they were loading the luggage on the bus; a hand grenade fell out of someone’s bag. It was not a detonated hand grenade obviously but it was still an explosive. The person that belonged to the bag was not on the bus. The luggage that was on the bus was removed. Therefore, off we went with nothing but the small carry bag I was holding. A 6-week-old baby and a 5 year old.

What a trip that was. The bus ride itself was worse than a detonated grenade

The Griswold's Part I

We earned the nickname the Griswold's because no matter where we traveled some kind of disaster happened upon us. Just like the famous Griswold family from National Lampoons Vacation.

The Griswold’s Part 1

You were sent to the wrong base. Yes, that is what we were told when we arrived in Ft. Lee Virginia. Unfortunately, it was on a Friday of a holiday weekend, and we were told to wait until the following Tuesday until they could straighten out the paperwork and so that the army could give us the extra travel money to report to the correct base. Ft. Leonard Wood Missouri. You see the mix up right. Ft. Lee, Ft. Leonard Wood. Classic!

After that jumble we had only 2 days to drive to Ft. Leonard Wood, the military does not care if they are at fault. You have to report no matter what or you are AWOL. The following Tuesday we started our 1000 mile journey.

Ah, the mountains of West Virginia, beautiful but it was nighttime and we were traveling at the speed of light to get to our destination. My husband and I got into a little argument because I decided he was driving too fast. Mind you, we are in unfamiliar territory, the highway was this long and never-ending road of twists and turns and runaway truck ramps. (Runaway truck ramps are for trucks who can’t stop because they are having breaking problems) This happens when you are driving on a highway in the mountains.

Where is our money? The first stroke of bad luck. Losing all our money in the mountains of. How you ask. Considering we were on limited time to get to where we were going, speed was the one thing on our side. Speeding through the mountains, not such a good idea. My husband and I got into a little argument when I asked him to slow down. We stopped to get gas at some rinky-dink gas station in the middle of nowhere. In the mountains all the gas stations, restaurants etc. were below, meaning all the off ramps led you down into a little valley area. Anyway, we were arguing, I had all the money and travelers checks in a waist bag. I slammed the bag on the back of the car (our old Camaro with the tail fin) and told my husband to take it, after I had paid for the gas. He picked up the bag or so I thought, and off we went. About 20 minutes later he said, “lets get some food” and it struck, where was the bag with all the money.

We set off into a panic, not remembering what gas station we had been to (they all looked the same); we checked every gas station going back for miles, no bag! We thought for sure someone picked it up and stole it. Here we are, in the middle of nowhere and no money. We drove up and down the highway looking on the side of the road. We figured if someone stole it, they took what they wanted and tossed it out the window. We did this for about an hour, up and down, back and forth on the road to nowhere. Then we spotted something on the side of the highway and we stopped.

There was our bag, the zipper broke and all our money was scattered on the grass. The bag hung onto the back of the car until it finally slid off. We found everything but a $20 dollar traveler’s check. (to this day I never have all my money when traveling in one place).

The Griswold’s Part II coming soon! It gets even better

The Fart Champion

Farts are a taboo subject for some, but for a man it is a proud display of masculinity. Gorillas beat on their chest to show their dominance, Men fart. When you gather a group of men together a war of farts usually ensues and you got it right, the worse smelling fart wins! If you win the battle of farts you are the fart champion, and your title can’t be taken until someone can outdo what you did.

Some farts are quite deadly and become weapons of mass destruction that are capable of wiping out everyone in a room. Like an atomic bomb leveling everything in its path. (I live with a man that drops these bombs all the time, he can wipe out everything within a 15 miles radius) Gross you might be thinking but at the same time it’s quite humorous that one man can produce such a noxious smell. After living with this man for 12 years, my fart immunity has been built up.

Farts come in all shapes, sizes and styles. For your viewing pleasure I will list a few of them.

The Fart of Eternal Stench, this fart just won’t go away, it hangs around for an eternity.

Crop Dusting is useful when you are in a crowded store, like Walmart. Just walk down a crowded aisle and dust everyone, and watch how quick that aisle clears

The Walking Fart, the walking fart is not the same as crop dusting, it is a continuous fart that is produced while walking. With every step you take, you fart. You could walk a mile and this fart just keeps going,

Ventrillofart is good for making it seem like someone else farted

The Fart of Death because you think you will die when you smell it

The Tweet, the tweet is a real trickster you think it won’t be that bad because it sounds so small, but damn when that thing hits the air it expands like a hot air balloon

There are so many more farts, but I need to run because my fart champion just stunk up the room. 

The Red Stained Boy

This was written in 1995, after my then 2 year old son woke up and well just read what he did! I wanted to keep the memory so after his little kitchen debauchery I wrote it down on paper. Someday, I may use it to embarrass him at his wedding.

1995

I woke up this morning to the birds singing, the sun shining and thought to myself this is going to be a great day. I went downstairs, and as I approached the kitchen the smile I had been wearing turned into a look of total shock. Why you ask? Well, standing in the middle of the kitchen was a 2 year old boy I didn’t recognize. You see he was completely stained with red powdered cherry Kool-Aid (which I think may have been his war paint because he definitely had gone to war with my kitchen), the fact that the kitchen floor was also stained red only served to camouflage this 2 year old wrecking crew. The Kool-Aid had become his paint and my floor his canvas. (by the way although we bathed him generously after his war, he was stained for days, turns out red Kool-Aid powder doesn’t come off so easy). As I ventured further into what use to be the kitchen, I noticed that red stained boy had also dumped an entire bottle of liquid laundry soap into the litter box. Which I found out later that cat had swam in (we have video of us trying to get all the soap off the cat, quite funny to see). There was also a pile of coffee , an entire can I must say neatly arranged 2 year old style on the floor, with a hill of sugar next to it (yeah there was no coffee or sugar for me to have coffee that morning, which meant no coffee for me to deal with this disaster, he built a small mountain with it). He had also opened the oven, took out all the racks and thought it would be a good place to lay his Mr. Potato Head, which was quite ingenious because he must have seen me put potatoes in the oven (thank God he couldn’t reach the knobs to turn the oven on).

I stood in total amazement at the destruction this little red stained, one boy wrecking crew had caused. He turned to me when he finally noticed that I was there and said “Hi Momma”. So sweet, so innocent! I remember having to leave the room so he wouldn’t see me laughing. Thus my son was apply named Dennis the Menace, (whom I still call Dennis although he is now 21). For this was just the beginning of his curious need to get into monkey business.

(More stories of the red stained boy to come)

The Omen

Have you ever had an omen? If you are not sure what an omen is, it is a phenomenon that is believed to foretell the future. Sometimes we don’t recognize the omen for what it is, and later we think “damn I should have paid attention”.

The one event that always comes to mind, was my wedding. This was the one omen I should have listened too but chose to foolishly ignore. You see someone, or something was trying to tell me not to get married. I wish I had listened. Omens do not always foretell misfortune, sometimes they foretell good luck, but not this one.

Wedding date set, invitations mailed, everything in place, and boom the sign of all signs that this marriage was a mistake. Two weeks before our wedding, the Church we were to be married in burned to the ground. If that wasn’t a clear sign I don’t know what is.

I remember the morning my soon to be mother in law broke the news to me. She called me into her room, and said “the church burned down last night”. The only thing I could do was laugh, because honestly what else was I going to do?

We scrambled to find a new Church, because we only had two weeks before the wedding, not much time to work with in the demanding business of marriage. We had to send new invitations, and explain to our guests why we changed churches at the last minute. “Oh the Church burned to the ground” that’s all!

In hindsight, I wish I had paid heed to this sign of all signs. My marriage was somewhat of a disaster and ended in divorce.

Moral of the story pay attention to the signs you are sent.

(this really happened)

The Art Of Words #Words #Creative #Imagine #Funny

I love words, and I especially love making up my own words. Someone somewhere made up the words that we use in the English language and who says that I can’t do the same. Who says that my words aren’t real, just because someone didn’t officially declare my word official. People make up words and expressions all the time, and when these words and expressions catch on I believe they are referred to as slang.

One of my most ingenious time saving expressions, which was fashioned clearly by accident is “yelcome”. I went to tell someone “you’re welcome” and somehow I merged the two words together and bada bing bada boom a new word. This word is now part of my everyday vocabulary.  

Another word I often say is “worser”, it simply means when something is worse than worse, and when something gets to be worse than worse it is “worser”. “it is much worser now”.

Here is another expression that was made up on the fly “smarcasm”. Someone asked me a question and because of the nature of my answer they wanted to know if I was being sarcastic. I needed a quick comeback to prove how much of a sarcastic smartass I was. So, I told them that it was clearly smarcasm. If you are a sarcastic smart ass, you practice the art of smarcasm.

Words are the basic way we communicate, so why not make up your own. After all, they are your words

A New Language

I lived in Missouri for 6 years, and coming from New England and transplanted in the Midwest was quite a learning experience. The biggest lesson I had to learn was the language. Our New England jargon just wasn’t going to fly out there.

We had probably only been there a few weeks, when my first language lesson was introduced to me. We were moving into our house, the movers were bringing our furniture in. I told one of the moving guys that he can just bring the bureaus upstairs. He looked at me with a straight face, and said “you mean you have a donkey”. He thought I said burro, which is another name for a donkey.  I learned quickly that in the Midwest it is called a chest of drawers, or a dresser.

My second language lesson came when we went to get ice cream. We stopped at a Dairy Queen style ice cream place. I went up to the counter and told the woman standing behind it that I wanted a vanilla cone with chocolate jimmies. She looked at me with 7 heads and said “whose jimmy”. In the Midwest there called sprinkles.

Another funny lesson I learned was eating in a restaurant. The waitress came over and asked me what I wanted to drink, and I said “what kind of tonic do you have”. She said “you mean hair tonic”. I grew up calling Pepsi and coke tonic, in the Midwest they call it soda or pop.

There were many other occasions where my New England words and accent got in the way of communication. People would ask me all the time to say car “cah”. I even got the “pahk the cah in harvahd yahd” request over and over. So eventually I learned to talk like them, but I never lost my New England accent which I am quite proud of. 

Death by Memory Foam

I love my memory foam mattress, but I am thinking it may have a secret plot against me. I try to get out of bed and it sucks me back in, it’s like I am caught in a whirlpool of foam. I have heard stories of people getting stuck in their bed because their mattress held them captive. I’m pretty strong, so I know it can’t hold its grip on me for long, or can it? I’ve heard some people refer to it as quicksand, sucking you in, and the more you struggle to escape, the deeper you sink. I can see the headlines now “Death by Memory Foam” “Woman gets sucked into mattress and suffocates”. I can only hope that this is not my fate. 

The Hidden Dangers of Toothpaste

The other day while brushing my teeth, I somehow got toothpaste in my eye. It must have flicked off my toothbrush, flew through the air, and splat it landed smack dab in the middle of my eye. Toothpaste isn’t something you normally think of as dangerous, but man when it gets in your eye it stings like hell. For several minutes I couldn’t open my eye because it was stinging so bad, and began to water profusely. I had never been assaulted by toothpaste before, so it was quite a shock. I will take extra care when brushing my teeth from now on.  I may even wear protective eye wear to be sure it doesn't happen again. I am not sure, but I think I could be suffering from Post Traumatic Toothpaste Syndrome. 

I want a Viking Funeral when I die!!!

I decided a long time ago that when I die, I don't want my obituary written by someone else. I also decided I wanted it to be funny and unique. I want people to laugh when they think of me  and not feel sad. So, here it is.

So, I’m dead, gone, caput, kicked the bucket, bit the bullet. It was time to go, time to check out, and time to move on.

But don’t worry, it’s not like I haven’t done this before. I do have experience with death, I was married once.

I always did like the last word, so here’s what I have to say.

My dream funeral, which is sort of a strange thing to say, because who dreams of their funeral? At any rate my dream funeral would be a true Viking romanticized send off. A Viking burial ship with a beautiful dragon carved in front. My body lying in the center surrounded by straw and flowers strewn all around me. As the ship is pushed down the river, the archers stand ready to shoot their flaming arrows and set me and my ship on fire as I drift away slowly.

There are problems, I don’t own a Viking ship, number 2, I am pretty sure it is illegal to burn a body in a boat, even if they are already dead. Thirdly, I don’t know any Viking archers. I may be able to secure a small dingy, and have my body dowsed in gasoline and sent down the Neponset river, while someone yells “RICOLA”!!! (You know like the cough drop commercial) I honestly don’t think that anyone will notice, and it’s not like I will be polluting the water. You know, I may end up settling for becoming fertilizer for a tree somewhere. I love trees, they are beautiful, but there’s problems with that too. Dogs, dogs love trees.

Laughter really does make you feel better, so laugh. I’m laughing while I write this. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I even laugh at my own stupid jokes, sometimes I catch myself laughing about something that I thought of and everyone looks at me like “there’s something wrong with her”. Which works out perfect when I’m riding the T, because people think I’m crazy and they won’t sit next to me, it’s pretty much a guaranteed seat on a packed train. Oh, word to the wise when you’re on the T don’t make eye contact with anyone, it’s an invitation. If your reading this while you’re on the T, I dare you to yell “RICOLA”!! You will get a seat.

You know I was just thinking, someone that I know will say “it is what it is”, when they find out I have died. I have always hated that saying, so I say “It’s not what it’s not but still it is what it is, even if it isn’t, and when it isn’t, what is it”? The survey says “Who cares”!! 

The Humorous Side of Living with Multiple Sclerosis

The Humorous side of living with Multiple Sclerosis

I know that MS is a serious and often debilitating disease, but I have managed to find some humor in the often strange and bizarre symptoms I have from time to time. My hope is not to offend anyone, I know for some people things are much worse and I am in no way belittling this horrible disease. But, I must make fun of myself.

If you’re not sure what Multiple Sclerosis is, it is an autoimmune disease. Your body’s immune system attacks the myelin sheath covering the nerves in your brain and spinal cord (your central nervous system). Think of the insulation covering a wire, the myelin is the insulation protecting your nerves and making the nerve signals that are being sent get to their destination. Without this protective cover, these signals either don’t reach their destination at all or they are severely disrupted. When your immune system attacks this cover it causes damage, sometimes to the point where the damage can’t repair itself. When the damage doesn’t heal that is what in most cases cause individuals with MS to become disabled.

There is no piece, part, section of your body that is immune to these affects. Think about it, your body is pretty much controlled by your central nervous system

Now that I have given you a quick rundown on the disease, I will share what I call the bizarre yet funny symptoms I have had.

I will start with what I call the “Darth Vader Luke Skywalker Affect” Anyone, who has seen Stars Wars remembers the sound that light sabers make while being swung in battle. This is a sound I often hear inside my head. It’s like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a duel. Just plain weird. No I am not crazy, I actually hear this sound. Not all the time but here and there. All I can do is laugh, trying to explain it to anyone would make me sound like I have schizophrenia, I mean who hears the sound of light sabers in there head, raising my hand “I do”. Why it happens I don’t know, I just know it’s damn funny.  

Then there is the “cell phone buzzing in my pocket affect” I get weird vibrations in my legs, and I will actually reach for my cell phone, but it’s not my cell phone. You would think by now that I would know better seeing my cell phone doesn’t even fit in my pocket, but I fall for it every time like an idiot.

Then there is the symptom I call the “time warp”. I walk into things all the time, because for some reason my body is there before my brain realizes I’m about to walk into a wall, a door, a table. It has to do with the affects that MS has on my perception. I have heard this explained as a lack of awareness of the body’s position in space and spatial relationships. I think it is funny, I am definitely in outer space.

Then there is the “Pseudo bulbar Affect”, which causes people with MS to laugh or cry at inappropriate moments. I refer to it as the “Looney Tune Affect” I have been known to laugh at something really sad, something that will make someone else cry, I laugh at. Not because I don’t care, but because I can’t help it. It causes people to look at me quite strange sometimes, but I take it all in stride and just let them think I’m crazy. Sometimes I will just start laughing for no reason at all and can’t stop, but hey laughter is the best medicine right? It even happens to me when I am walking down the street, or on the train. However, it does have its benefits when riding the T, people think I’m nuts, so it’s almost a guaranteed seat on a packed train.

I can’t leave out the tremor. I was sitting in front of someone at work, (they didn't know I had MS). I happened to be holding a cup of coffee and my hand was shaking so bad I couldn't get the cup to my mouth, it shook so bad I spilled my coffee all over my shirt. I watched them staring at me, and I can only imagine that they were thinking “what the hell is wrong with this girl”. I didn't explain myself, it was funnier to see them trying not to notice, although clearly they did.

I have to say I am lucky, things could be much worse for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself I just take things as they come. There are many more affects that MS has on my body, I only wanted to share some of the things I find funny. 

Guide to Office Disorders, Illnesses and Personality Types

Guide to Office Disorders, Illnesses and Personality Types

For anyone who has worked in an office you may relate to these disorders and personality types.

 Office Alzheimer’s …when you can’t remember where your office is, or what you are suppose to do…

ADDD… Attention Deficit Desk Disorder….when you are sitting at your desk and you can’t focus on anything because your mind keeps wandering and your stare off into space…

HWMD….Hyperactive Work Malfunction Disorder….When you are all wound up and hyper and you can’t get any work done because you can’t sit long enough at your desk to accomplish anything…

Phonenesia … When you answer the phone and forget where your are, or when you forget who you called…

Computer Schizoaffective Disorder… When you talk out loud, yell, or get mad at your computer..and there are other people present who think you have gone schizo…

Workplace Personality Disorder…When you display many different personality’s at work and you just don’t know who you are, depending on who you are working with and who you are talking to.

Bi Polar Workplace Disorder… One minute your happy, next minute you are depressed..

Narcissistic Office Personality Disorder… this type of psychological personality disorder is characterized primarily by grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for co-workers.

OARWD- Office Avoidance Redirection Work Disorder..This disorder is characterized by avoidance of ones own work by passing your work onto someone else.

Going Stupid Disorder- This disorder is characterized by the slow progression of stupidity caused by work overload.

 Papaphobia – Exaggerated fear of paper and getting a paper cut.

 Postaphobia – fear of post it notes

Hyperpostation – When you have been inundated with post it notes.

Worklexia – when your boss tells you to do something, but you can’t seem to do it right because your brain went ahead and processed the directions your boss gave you backwards.

Xerophobia – Fear of all copy machines and copying.

Xeroxenvinytis – Unusual or irrational jealousy of those who can use the copy machine with ease.

Fridaphobia- The fear that Friday will never end.

Weekapation – That uneasy anticipation that comes over you when you realize that it’s Monday and Friday is an entire week away.

 AOD or Antisocial Office Disorder – This is characterized by those people in the office that have absolutely no personality and social skills.

FAKINS Syndrome – Faking sick Many people suffer from this syndrome and spend countless sick days because of this disorder.

Office Personality Types

The Phony – Everyone knows the phony, the person that pretends to be nice by smiling constantly while they are talking to you, even when giving you bad news i.e. “I am so sorry that you won’t be getting paid this week but look on the bright side”

The Paper bag – This person has the personality of a paper bag, this person has no social skills, always looks mad and probably counts rubber bands for fun.

The Faker – The person that is always faking ill to get time off, these people usually suffer from FAKINS Syndrome.

The Interrupter – Every office has one of these. These people are constantly interrupting you by coming over to your desk every 5 minutes and never shutting up so that you can actually get some work done.

The Idiot – The person that is just dumb, who can’t figure out their job for the life of them, and constantly need help. Everyone is left wondering how the hell they got hired in the first place.

The Gossiper – Every office also has one of these personality types, the person that is constantly talking about other people and just can’t keep anything to themselves, or keep their damn mouth shut. The Gossiper is usually friends with The Interrupter and The Pain.

The Wanderer – This person is never at his/her desk because they are always wandering about the office.

The Pain – Everyone dreads The Pain, this person just bugs the living hell out of you, you see them coming and you cringe inside. The Pain is usually friends with The Gossiper because it is the only person that can stand them, and because The Gossiper will talk to anyone.

The Boss – This person is not the actual boss but yet tells everyone what to do, and how to do it.

The Know It All – This person knows everything; every office also has one of these. The Know It All and The Boss are mortal enemies because The Boss can’t tell the Know It All what to do and how to do it because The Know It All already knows everything.

The Informer – The Informer is not to be trusted and spreads information that they have heard from The Gossiper. i.e. “Did you here what so and so did”? The difference between The Gossiper and The Informer are that The Gossiper spreads their information from direct sources first hand and The Informer only spreads the information they heard second, third and fourth hand from The Gossiper. The Informer additionally thrives on spreading bad news. The two work hand in hand, they are like Batman and Robin.

 The Quarterback – The quarterback constantly passes off his or her work to someone else, and then takes credit for a job well done. The quarter back usually suffers from OARWD- Office Avoidance Redirection Work Disorder (pronounced ORD). This disorder is characterized by avoidance of ones own work by passing your work onto someone else. (see above disorders). The quarterback is usually friends with the idiot and the phony.

The Supermodel – Every office also has one of these types. These are the woman that have a new outfit on everyday, and their only purpose for showing up to work is to display their new look.

The Superstar – The shining star of the office. The superstar is admired by all, and is usually surrounded by a group of office paparazzi who are willing to do anything the superstar says.

The Politician -  The politician spends their time bullshitting everyone in the office.

The Weasel - This person is always trying to get you in trouble. They pretend to be your friend and then weasel you. Sneaky and conniving. The weasel is usually friends with the phony.

Lucy – Just like Lucy from Charlie Brown who is forever trying to get Charlie Brown in trouble, Lucy personality types are always waiting to pull the ball, and throw you under the bus.

The One Upper

You might want to ask what a one upper is. It is that annoying person who always has to outdo everyone. The one upper is always better than you and everyone else. If you tell them you won a million dollars they will announce they won a trillion. If you tell them you have a brand new car, they will tell you they just bought 3 brand new cars. If you tell them you were just diagnosed with an incurable disease, low and behold they have the same disease only there disease is much worse. No matter what you say when talking to the one upper, you will be out done. If the one upper asks you how you are, they don’t really want to know, it is their opportunity to brag about themselves and how wonderful there life is.

I prefer to mess with this one upper person, purposely ask them how their family is and when they are mid-sentence I start talking really loud over them about  (a bunch of nonsense) like how my “wonderful” dog fuzzy has single handedly found a cure for “whatchamacaulitis” and then walk away before they can respond. It really throws them for a loop, messes up there entire one up plan. The one upper can’t handle someone else talking, and they can never handle being out done themselves. It causes them to go into major meltdown mode, it actually causes them to go silent for a moment as their brain tries to compute what you have just said.

I work with a one upper, and this person is always interrupting conversations in the break room to brag about their spectacularly perfect existence. No matter who is talking they must interrupt, so I have made it my job from now on to outdo the one that can’t be out done.  

My advice when dealing with a person such as this, mess with them, and then walk away. 

Food Shopping

I hate food shopping! Not because I hate food, but I hate going into the store. You see, I know what I want, I am on a mission. I go in, load up my carry basket and try to get out as quick as possible. I never use a shopping cart because it inhibits my shopping speed. I don’t care if the basket ends up weighing more than me, it allows me to weave in and out of supermarket traffic at warp speed.

Everyone once in a while you run into a complete traffic jam, but with a quick swing of the carry basket you can get around it. With a cart you are trapped for sure.

Checking out is the worst. I have my debit card or cash ready before I get to the checkout, I want to check out as fast as possible. I loathe ending up behind the lady who spends 3 hours digging through her 400lb pocket book looking for her wallet, while talking on her cell phone, totally oblivious to the fact that she has a line building behind her. Totally oblivious to the fact that everyone can hear her personal conversation. You can see the frustration on the cashiers face, and it makes my blood boil. Hurry up!!!!

I am not perfect, but It’s annoying when these people think they are the only ones in the universe. I am impatient. It took me 5 minutes to navigate the traffic in the store, but because of you, giant pocket book cell phone lady, I have to wait until your done being an idiot before I can check out.

Tonight I waited behind a lady who was paying cash, but she decided half way through the transaction that she wanted to split the transaction into 3 parts. She paid cash for the first few items, spent 5 minutes digging for her money, and then put the change (after paying) back into her pocket. Then the next few items went through, and she began digging into her pocket for the same change she had just put away (why she put it back in her pocket is a mystery to me, if she knew she was going to use the change to pay two seconds later).  Finally the third and final transaction, which was a bottle of wine, 5 minutes digging for her ID. In all it took her about 15 minutes for about 15 items. I could feel myself glaring at her, “what are you doing???” All I want to do is get out of here and go home, put my pajamas on and call it a night.

Snow! because we just have not heard the word enough

Snow my not qualify normally as nonsense, but this winter has been hell. It has impacted every aspect of our lives. Getting to work, getting home, finding a place to park on a street that is no longer a street but merely a path wide enough for a rickshaw to get through. Traffic jams hour’s long, angry frustrated people waiting for a train that may or may not show up.

I have seen so many people getting out of their cars ready to literally beat other drivers on the road, people getting into fights on over packed trains. People just angry, tired of this, frustrated, wanting for it to end.

Photo by Michael Krinke/iStock / Getty Images

The New York Times referred to this winter as a “slow moving natural disaster” and it was. The worst winter I can remember. Even worse than the historic blizzard of 78, and yes I am old enough to remember it, I was 8 years old. As a kid, snow of this magnitude is fun, as an adult it’s just miserable.

Storm after storm after storm, pummeling us with this white stuff, turning our world colorless. Lifeless, hopeless. I have a faint memory of what grass looks like. When we do finally see that elusive green stuff I will kiss the ground.

To add to our already miserable existence, the condition that we call “Cabin Fever” sets in, and makes you feel like the world is closing in on you. I have been saying for weeks I want to jump on a plane to the Florida keys and not return. But that’s not an option at this point.

Last night driving by the high school I was awestruck at the amount of giant dump trucks, front end loaders, bulldozers and other assorted trucks parked for the soul purpose of removing some of the snow that has been paralyzing neighborhoods. It was, as crazy as it may sound, a sign of hope. Hope that maybe there is an end to this hell.

These men worked all night removing snow from the side streets, when I woke up this morning, I woke up to an actual street. My street and several other streets in my neighborhood are actually passable again. I was so excited to see this miracle of sorts. I felt kind of foolish to feel such an emotion over the reappearance of this thing we drove our cars on. However, it was like being handed a gift.

Tonight, these men are back at work, I can hear the sound of the trucks and  machines  removing snow. The sound is somewhat comforting, it feels like someone is saving us.