I decided a long time ago that when I die, I don't want my obituary written by someone else. I also decided I wanted it to be funny and unique. I want people to laugh when they think of me and not feel sad. So, here it is.
So, I’m dead, gone, caput, kicked the bucket, bit the bullet. It was time to go, time to check out, and time to move on.
But don’t worry, it’s not like I haven’t done this before. I do have experience with death, I was married once.
I always did like the last word, so here’s what I have to say.
My dream funeral, which is sort of a strange thing to say, because who dreams of their funeral? At any rate my dream funeral would be a true Viking romanticized send off. A Viking burial ship with a beautiful dragon carved in front. My body lying in the center surrounded by straw and flowers strewn all around me. As the ship is pushed down the river, the archers stand ready to shoot their flaming arrows and set me and my ship on fire as I drift away slowly.
There are problems, I don’t own a Viking ship, number 2, I am pretty sure it is illegal to burn a body in a boat, even if they are already dead. Thirdly, I don’t know any Viking archers. I may be able to secure a small dingy, and have my body dowsed in gasoline and sent down the Neponset river, while someone yells “RICOLA”!!! (You know like the cough drop commercial) I honestly don’t think that anyone will notice, and it’s not like I will be polluting the water. You know, I may end up settling for becoming fertilizer for a tree somewhere. I love trees, they are beautiful, but there’s problems with that too. Dogs, dogs love trees.
Laughter really does make you feel better, so laugh. I’m laughing while I write this. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I even laugh at my own stupid jokes, sometimes I catch myself laughing about something that I thought of and everyone looks at me like “there’s something wrong with her”. Which works out perfect when I’m riding the T, because people think I’m crazy and they won’t sit next to me, it’s pretty much a guaranteed seat on a packed train. Oh, word to the wise when you’re on the T don’t make eye contact with anyone, it’s an invitation. If your reading this while you’re on the T, I dare you to yell “RICOLA”!! You will get a seat.
You know I was just thinking, someone that I know will say “it is what it is”, when they find out I have died. I have always hated that saying, so I say “It’s not what it’s not but still it is what it is, even if it isn’t, and when it isn’t, what is it”? The survey says “Who cares”!!